(A one act play by Dave Cowles)
©2003 Dave Cowles, All rights reserved.
compassionate, but cynical angel
compassionate, but legalistic angel
A cloud on the outskirts of
Act One of
We open to see Oswald, obviously
in an extreme state of agitation, squatting on a cloud, looking
down and screaming. Archie enters.
Cups hands around his mouth)
Jesus is coming! (Pauses) Look busy! Oh you
stupid, ignorant, boneheaded…
supposed to be lumpy?
Stands) Did you see that?
(Points forward and
car horns honk angrily)
Screaming again) Oh for the
Hastily, looking around) Did I
and and and
(stutters, exasperated) THE
every time that stupid pinhead, Bob, gets behind the wheel it’s
like he forgets all about being a Christian and destroys his
put his sixth shiny
new Jesus fish on the back of his truck!
He says he doesn’t get road rage. I guess he just
likes to narrate the trip; you know, telling everyone who they
are, where they came from, who their parents are, where they
can go, anatomically impossible things they can do to
I get the
get him. He was just at church yesterday. I bet he’s on his way
home to go to www.BimbosOnline.com.
(Huffs) this one isn’t getting into
him, Oswald. (Gestures) He still looks like
scooter trash. He’s loud, boisterous, and has all ten of his
thumbs in the middle of everything. He’s like a bear at feeding
time, all of the time. And the gases! You can smell him up
here! Last week someone asked him how he knew he was going to
Heaven. He said, “Because I am Batman.” No righteous disciple
of Christ would ever joke in such a manner! He has these
hissy fits, then gets bent out of shape and rips the Jesus fish
off of his vehicle. It’s much easier than changing his
abhorrent behavior. He’s despicable. I think he shows up at
church just to gawk at the women. Half the time he falls asleep
and wakes himself up by dropping his bible on the floor. He
dresses like a thug. Says he wore a suit to church once just to
get it out of his system. They think they are invisible,
screaming at each other, using hateful words, and losing their
I’ve never heard anybody called a “Geriatric” as a curse
before. He’s mad at everyone.
see him shoot right around that guy pushing that stalled car
off the road? (Snorts) I’m sure THAT guy saw
Jesus in him when he flew by! Hey, wait... He’s just flipped a
yooie. What’s he doing? Aw nuts, he’s gonna cuss him out for
making him switch lanes…
he’s getting out of the truck.
Leans across in front of
Oswald) Mercy. Oh my…
Jumping about) What? What is
turn into a pumpkin?
head fall off?
Screaming) WHAT IS HE DOING,
helping… oh, my.
Pffft. You do know, who you are in your car is who you
are in your car is who you are. It’s true. It says so in
certainly does not!
just go rewriting the bible to suit your philosophical
said this guy wasn’t getting into Heaven because of his
actions. Where does the bible say that?
acting like a Christian. He can’t be saved and act like
Spirit wouldn’t allow it.
once they get saved they lose free will?
That they become perfect? Sin becomes a distant memory? They
always wear clean underwear?
Rolls eyes and prays) Haven’t
you been paying attention? How did you get to be a guardian
the boss’s daughter. Sometimes I think Christians are the worst
thing to ever happen to Christianity. (Thoughtful)You know, they often
shoot their wounded. Watch one of their unwed teenagers get
knocked up and they all forget that Jesus died for her and that
she is already forgiven. Once these naked apes catch on that
Jesus is Lord, they are suppose to be perfected and perfect,
crucified in Christ. Wham bam, thank you, ma’am, no more impure
thoughts, immoral behavior, farm animal
the Master has to be their Lord and Savior! (Pounds fist in other hand) He has
to be Lord and Savior! Or else…
supposed to be lumpy?
just their loss, rather than they ARE lost, if they ask him to
save them and then keep living the same life?
have to change!
thought God convicts them and Satan condemns them? To me it
looks like they are just plain miserable if they know Jesus but
don’t live for Him. Aren’t they really just a lost cause? I
mean, everyone knows God doesn’t make mistakes, but mankind has
been going the wrong direction since almost day one. Maybe they
are just here for their entertainment value. What was it
Voltaire said? “God is a comedian with an audience that is
afraid to laugh.” Everything they touch turns to poop,
suffering, misery, and death. A headless chicken has nothing on
them! Why do they even bother to get saved if they don’t want
Jesus to be their Lord?
you define “Eternal Damnation”?
isn’t fun. After all, how many people really fantasize about
being sodomized by demons? Big, ugly demons. Big, ugly, redneck
demons. With horns. Over and
over and over and over. Infinity.
Redneck demons? (Looks around)
(Points)Oh! (Slaps both hands over mouth and throws himself
prone on the ground and starts shouting)
“Holy! Holy! Holy! Holy! Holy! Holy!
JUMPIN’ JEHOSHAPHAT! (
Jumps back looking for an escape
All right! That’s enough! (Gestures wildly) C’mon, you guys!
Get up. You’re embarrassing me. (Takes Archie by the arm and helps him up,
then grabs him in a bear hug and musses his hair). I
love you, Man!
Stammers) Haaaahbah hominah
hahbahaha… Yuh Yuh Your Holy Lordliness!
Stands and walks towards Jesus, lifting
his arms towards Him) It’s really
(Raises his arms towards Oswald and slowly
walks backwards, arms extending outwards, his smile
broadening) Ta da. In the flesh.
Stops walking. Jesus approaches him,
embraces him, and Oswald rests his head on Jesus’
shoulder) Why? Why did you have to do it? Why did
you die for them? It changes nothing. They’re still
them. My father loves them. They are not animals, they are just
being perfected. They die for me by the hundreds of thousands.
In many places just admitting they are my followers is an
immediate death sentence.
Gently breaks embrace and steps back two
steps) They look schizophrenic! One minute they
are screaming profanity at each other and filled with
bloodlust, the next they’re willing to die for you and each
other. I don’t get it. Are they all insane?
lost. Even when they are saved they are lost. For
non-Christians their earthly life is as good as it gets. For
Christians, it’s as bad as it gets. They are still in that
World, but no longer of it. It is a very traumatic adjustment
for many of them. But they love me and trust me and I love
them. We shall watch over them and bring them home. Sometimes
we will make adjustments to ease their way. Other times,
(Sighs) they won’t get out of their
own way and we let them reap what they sowed.
fellow down here now, (Flings arm out and spits out the
name) Bob, is an unholy terror. He shoots past
people in traffic going thirty-five miles over the speed limit,
Singing Praise & Worship songs and waving his arms like a
lunatic, and the next thing you know, he’s screaming curses,
then repenting and before he’s done, he’s losing it again.
waiting to see smoke come out of his ears and his head start
Then why does he act like that if he loves
You can’t possibly be thinking of
letting him in here.
covered in my blood. I paid his debt. He still doesn’t realize
that I died for everyone down there, including other motorists.
His faith is new. He’s having trouble grasping that he is no
longer a slave to the flesh, to sin.
I can see
why you went down there before they had cars!
paid the price for them. There is nothing they can do to earn
it. They can’t pay me back; the debt is erased like it never
was. Living right won’t get them a ticket to Heaven. None are
good, no, not one. They have to come through me. It is a free
gift. There for the taking. But they have to take it. All my
father wants from them is a little accountability, some
humility, and for them to love one another. Then they just have
to ask in order to be forgiven.
don’t, King Jesus.
Shakes head sadly) No, some
don’t. You may
not believe it looking at Bob right now, but he is going to
change the world. He’s going to tell that man with car
trouble about me by his actions as much as his words. That
man will tell his son. Then his son is going to tell a boy
in his little league team. That boy will send an e-mail to
his cousin in the Marine Corps. The marine will fall in love
with the daughter of an Iraqi dignitary while overseas. They
just never know who they tell about me that might make the
difference in many many lives. Or for that matter, even one
life. If Christians were perfect, they wouldn’t have to be
Christians. They are being perfected in me. It’s a process.
The only unforgivable sin is rejecting me.
grace, not works.
supposed to be lumpy?
clutches chest and
Grinning) I like the ones that
slosh around in your pants when you go like this! (Rocking forward on the balls of his feet
raising his bent arms up, palms forward, and swiveling his
hips in a wide hula hooping
(A deep, warm, rich, bass
laughter fills the room from no apparent
©2003 Dave Cowles. All Rights Reserved.
A lot has changed since I wrote that one act
I am still proud of it, but not the viewpoint it
3720 Boiling Springs
Hwy., Suite F #361,
Boiling Springs, SC 29316